The assertive communication Is the ability to respect others and make us respect for others from verbal, non-verbal language and attitude.
A clear definition is:"express your opinions, tastes, desires or claim your rights while respecting the rights of others".
It is important to develop assertive communication, since you will see positive effects for your physical and emotional health. Some examples of its benefits are:
- Reduce Stress .
- You will improve your social skills And personal.
- You will control impulses better or anger .
- Improve your self-esteem .
- You better understand your emotions.
- You respect yourself and you gain the respect of others.
- Create win-win situations.
- Improve your skills decision making .
- You gain personal and work satisfaction.
Because assertiveness is based on mutual respect, it is a Communication style Effective to relate to the people around you.
If you are assertive, show respect for yourself because you are able to defend your own interests and express your feelings and thoughts.
On the other hand, it also shows that you are aware of the rights of others and that you are willing to resolve conflicts.
The important thing is not only what you say, but also or more how you say it. Assertive communication gives you the opportunity to send a clear and respectful message.
If you communicate too passively or too aggressively, your message may be lost or simply ignored by others.
Therefore, learning communication techniques that allow you to respect yourself is fundamental to achieving your goals and feeling good about yourself.
How are assertive people?
If you are assertive you will have the following characteristics:
- You feel free to express your thoughts, desires and feelings.
- You are able to initiate and maintain pleasant relationships with people.
- You know your rights.
- You have control over your impulses and anger. It does not mean that you repress your emotions, but you can control and express them properly.
- You are able to make deals with other people.
- You take into account your needs and those of others.
Communication Styles
The Communication styles Can be classified in:
Aggressive communication
It is a style in which the rights of the other person are not respected and verbal and non verbal violent.
Characteristics of this style are: challenging looks, destructive criticism, too loud voice tone, violent gestures, raising hands too much, pointing with finger...
Passive communication
It is a style in which the rights of oneself are not respected and it is To please others . Its characteristics are: looking down, not giving personal opinion, doing something against one's own will, always say yes, etc. It can lead to stress, resentment, victimization, or revenge.
Assertive communication
It is a style in which we respect the rights of the other person and in turn we are aware of ours.
Learning Assertive Communication
1-Evaluate your style
It is important that you understand what style of communication you have before you begin to change it.
Do you defend your rights? Do you say yes despite not having time? Do you crawl quickly to others?
If you have an aggressive style you will know that you have to be more friendly when speaking and listening more. If it is passive you will have to reaffirm yourself and communicate your opinions more.
2-Use phrases with"I"
Use phrases with"I"reaffirms your opinions, desires and rights.
Also, you will let others know what you think without sounding as if you are accusing:"I do not agree"instead of"you are wrong."
3-Learn to listen
Being a good communicator includes knowing how to listen well and being a good listener includes maintaining an open attitude towards the message of the person.
Keep eye contact, listen with interest and control your own emotions and thoughts, to avoid reactions, defenses, explanations or interruptions.
This is not to say that you agree with what the other person says, but to know what the other person says.
Example: When you are talking to someone, wait until you finish your sentences before answering.
4-Look for agreements
It is a skill that relates to the negotiation . It is about reaching win-win agreements, avoiding the extreme positions in which only win or lose someone.
For example: come to the agreement with your partner to clean the kitchen while he / she cleans the bathroom.
5-Identify your needs and seek to meet them
- Do not expect someone to recognize what you need, you could wait forever.
- Understand that to realize your full potential you must meet your needs.
- Find ways to satisfy your needs without sacrificing those of others.
6-Opposing assertively. Learn to say no
If someone is insisting that you do something you do not want (which is often the case, for example with sellers), you can give Directly a"no" Without feeling guilty, giving excuses or explanations.
Example: No thanks, I do not need that product / service. Thanks for your time. Bye.
7-Use non-verbal language
Communication is not just verbal. In fact there is agreement that more than 80% of communication is non-verbal.
Keep eye contact (without staring), stand straight, use your hands and speak clearly.
In this article You can find other indications of nonverbal language.
8-Control emotions
Although it is positive to express your feelings assertively, in certain situations it is convenient That controls emotions Like anger.
For example, if you are very angry, it is not good for you to discuss with your partner or go to a meeting. In that case you could say things that you regret.
Work on controlling your emotions and keep yourself calm to communicate effectively without your emotions controlling you.
9-Disc Striped
It is about repeating a"no"or a no + phrase repeatedly after a request from the other person or when they try to manipulate you. Try to do it serenely and avoid using the same words.
Example: As I say, I do not need your product / service. Thanks and bye.
10-Facing Criticism
It is based on confronting criticism in a constructive way. You can do it by asking for details about the review (How, what, who) and information.
In this way, you will be able to know well what the interlocutor wants to convey. It is convenient that you show yourself in part according to the criticism in case it is true or it can be true, respect the other person, and give thanks.
On the other hand, it is not the same criticism sent by one person with criteria as another of someone without sufficient information.
Example: thanks for your feedback, I will keep it in mind to improve on those aspects.
11-Accept your emotions
One of the obstacles of assertive communication is the belief that having emotions like anger is bad.
However, anger is a normal emotion and you are not bad to feel it.
Of course, it is one thing to feel it and another to express it in a negative way with personal attacks, insults or revenge.
The assertive person accepts their emotions, controls them and expresses them respecting themselves and the other person.
12-Affirms the question clearly
Aggressive or passive people tend to communicate what bothers them by turning around. They also make petitions in detours.
At the same time, they can use affirmations or requests to attack or pose questions with personal attacks included.
For example:"after spending 10 hours with your friends, can you pick me up?"Or"since you care so much about caring, can we spend more time together?".
Communicate clearly what you want, if something bothers you, say it assertively and avoid personal attacks that are hidden or sarcastic.
13-Request behavioral changes to another person
In this case, a number of problems can arise, such as: a) accusing the other of having problems, which will worsen the conflict, b) accusing the other of always showing what we want to change, c) believing that it is malicious and d) expressing alone negative consequences.
To do it correctly you must: assume the problem, describe the behavior you want to change, state the consequences of behavior change, express how you feel about the problem, and finalize requesting behavior change in a concise and clear way.
Example: Ana, the tobacco smoke is annoying, it affects me and I do not breathe well. Can you smoke outside?
14-Autorrevelación
It is about making others feel open to you and begin to have confidence.
It is based on telling the other person what you like about her:"I like the way you dress","Congratulations on the approved test". Keep a nice facial and smile.
15-Fog bank
It is used to avoid a direct conflict when a person speaks aggressively to you or releases an attacking comment. It is based on saying unexpected responses to curb aggressive behavior.
Example: How come you're still single? You should be looking for a boyfriend now. Answer: You're right, I've had too many suitors and I had a hard time deciding.
CONCLUSIONS
To be assertive you have to reach a balance between aggressive and passive communication.
It means having a sense of self-worth, of recognizing and being able to communicate that you deserve what you want and need. It also means that you defend yourself in complicated situations.
It can be learned, although it does not happen from day to day and it needs practice. The techniques I've shown you will help you do it.
As you improve assertive communication, your overall quality of life will improve.
And you, what style of communication do you have?
In this video you can see examples of each style.